You showed up the other day, yet one more time, fast and unexpected, rushing out of the shadows of the night and from the mud on the tar, like a veil of black rain. I honestly say that I would have gone untroubled during that eternal second, when I thought I was done for.
When you come as an accident, we are always shocked at the absurdity of the situation, either if it is by being caught in the middle of our daily ruts or if we are in the wrong place at the wrong time, which was my case. ¿Why me? ¿Why like this?
Though I still had time to feel sorry for a son I would never see becoming a man and for a suffering mother to whom I would now force to endure the misfortune of burying a son, the worst that any parent can experience, despite all that, a certain peace took me. I felt the end of all problems, of all pursuits, of all responsibilities of all nonsense. Contrary to what I had always thought, fear was absent and I was overwhelmed by a clear understanding of the futility of my labours in life and by indifference at the absolute nothingness and meaninglessness of the future in a life without me. It was only an instant, but I really felt existence closing and converging to just a dot before vanishing altogether. That was as far as I would reach, and it was OK. There was no longing, missing, regretting or suffering, only the anticipation of dissolution, of returning to the whole, though no longer as me.
Apparently, it turns out you were only passing by, for ached and in pain as I am, I am still here. Be it as you please, for this is the only possible way when dealing with you. I am still in shock and the mask of life has fallen again to reveal the dry truth of vacuum, the joy of this incredible and improbable gift that we call life, the realization that, no matter how prone we are to forget it, mortal danger walks along with us every second, the deep intuition that the true and only sin is to neglect the only thing we really, truly possess: the present moment.
So far, I have had a happy life and there is no point in saying I will change this or I will change the other. I cannot do other than I used to do. I thank you and the universe for this new time that I still find hard to believe I will be able to enjoy. I say goodbye to you, Death, at least for the time being. We will meet again when you decide that my time has come. Until then, I’ll try to make every moment count. One really never knows!